Time has been moving way too fast for me. Liam will be here before we know it! I have to say this probably won't be one of my more cheerful blogs. I've run into my anxiety face first and I am trying to brush it off but it isn't happening. I keep telling Jay, "Only 15 more weeks, 13 more weeks, now only 11 weeks and our little man will be here". People keep asking if I am anxious about labor and honestly that doesn't scare me one bit. I know what to expect from it, it's going to hurt. I can deal with physical pain. It's the having a child that we are responsible for that scares the crap out of me. People keep telling me, "You'll be fine, all a baby needs is a place to sleep, food, and your love". Honestly, that doesn't make me feel any better, if anything it kinda ticks me off. Most people know a first time parent is one of the most nerve racking things. You're responsible for this little life, you are responsible for trying to not to screw them up too much! I'm trying to read books and prepare myself on the basic necessities...how to bath him, trim his finger nails, care for his umbilical cord, circumcision etc... It's a lot to take in. I know none of these feelings are unique to just me or our pregnancy but it just sucks trying to prepare for something that you have no way to really prepare for. Yep, I'm a control freak.
Breast feeding is becoming one of my top five things to be anxious about. I really want to breast feed for the first year. I know it's going to be challenging with me being a full time working mom. It will be better for him, better for me, cost saving and so the list goes on. I've really been trying to read up on everything I can about it. I think I worry most that I won't be able to push myself to stick it out when it gets tough. I worry I'll get selfish and give up on it and I'll end up disappointing myself. Jay and I are taking a class at the Women's Hospital at the end of the month so maybe this will move down my list of things to be anxious about.
I'm really anxious about how Jay and I are going to make room for Liam in our small house. We made the decision not to move and I don't regret it (well, not completely). Our house is about 930 sq ft and no closet space. I kinda feel like we are the clowns at the circus that try to fit 20 clowns into a VW bug. We've taken lots of things to Goodwill and I still have plenty more to take. Liam's room is going to be a tight fit with only a dresser, crib, and rocking chair in it. Yes, I know newborns don't need a lot or take up much room. BUT you have to remember this is the first grandchild on both sides of our family. This kid is going to have more stuff than Michael Jackson's kids (might be a little exaggeration but not far from it). I've already had to tell my mom I wasn't bringing something home that she bought for him and it was staying at grandma's house. We've been trying to figure out what we're going to do about a dresser for Liam's room. I decided not to get the one that matches the crib at Babies R Us because they are small. Unfortunately, I will have to put some of my stuff in his dresser because we have NO closet space and small bedrooms. We found a dresser we liked but once we started measuring out Liam's room and where everything would go we soon realized his room will be a tight space. I immediately got frustrated and bring on the anxiety. Jay was trying to make me feel better and tell me this was temporary, we know we're going to move in the next two or three years and so on. But thinking about having to sell and buy a house just made me more anxious.
One of the most non beautiful things about being pregnant is the hormones. Again nothing enlightening but so true. I've not slept well the last couple nights and my hormones are coming out. I think I've been great through out my pregnancy and haven't had any of the ragging hormones I hear some people talk about. I feel like a combination of a 13 year old teenage girl, a 3 year old that hasn't had their nap, and a 80 year old disgruntle women. I HATE it.
Okay, I know this hasn't been a cheerful blog. I will end with some things that I absolutely love about pregnancy. I love getting to feel him move. Liam is a wiggle worm. He makes me laugh when I am in meetings (most people pass it off that I've lost my mind during this pregnancy) and I can see my belly jumping and moving. I love getting to lay on Jay and we watch my belly shift and turn and talk to him. I love getting to read to Liam. I've been reading "Horton Hears a Who". I look forward to getting to curl up with my little wiggle worm and read to him. I love getting to give him "music lessons" while in the womb. When I am running errands I will put a CD of one of my favorite bands and will sing and jam. Jay hopes Liam will play keyboard, guitar, or bass guitar. He wants to be able to jam with him. I love getting to think about what traits of mine and Jay's he will have. I pray he gets Jay's metabolism but not his picky eating habits. I hope he gets my nose but not my red hair. I hope he gets both of our sense of humor. Jay and I are two of the most goofy people when we're together. But I hope Liam gets Jay's outgoing personality. I'm an introvert and pray he doesn't have to deal with my social anxiety.
I know in the end everything will be fine and I have to give up control on everything I worry about. I know worrying gets me no where and I am more blessed than I ever deserve. Somedays it's just harder to have the cheerful outlook and easier to kick and pout :)
